I am sitting in the forest sanctuary. My throat and eyes feel dry and I feel like I’ve died and been revived, but at least that’s better then how I felt before I woke here. My leg is burning and hurts but I will stand and I will recover. I always do…somehow I always keep on keeping on.

These days have been terribly rough...but I have to be strong, for my family, my friends and most of all…for my beloved when he returns to me. He needs me. I will not loose that faith, I can not lose that hope…it is what keeps me going and guides my path in the times that it is the darkest of all. I know my writing can be dark - but it is my outlet...my release when I have no other way. Thankfully, my loves faith in me never ever waivers, even when the people I call friend and family may waiver...

I've tried to set off to bring you home and each time I've been stopped and afraid that if I leave for you - you will return and find me gone. Love...I pray for you...I have faith in you...please find your way back to me...fight for me...

*this entry has been completely torn from the journal*

*throws her journal into the soul leach nest*

----------------

**sighs weakly**

Why in the name of the Gods do people keep bringing this book of ... of ... nothingness back to me when I discard it?

Im done writing, and I never want to see this thing again.

Will found me in the desert, he always does, and pointed me to a note which Pallas had left for me. I was so relieved I couldn’t do or say anything. Not smile or cry or even move. I just sat down in the sand basically silent, despite it all, and spoke hardly a word to him or anyone that sent me birds. I had so much in my mind at one time, with Pallas and with what Lucy and I had been speaking about.

Will was pretty confused I think, he thought I would be happy to know that my love was alive and relatively okay. I was so happy and so very relieved among many other emotions - so much so that my body just kind of shut down on me and I went numb to everything after I saw his message to me. I knew something had happened and I was right about it and I felt so much guilt for not having been with him when he was attacked when I should have been – and could have been. I’d so much rather have been attacked and injured by those bandits with him, then left behind clueless about my loves whereabouts and well being while he was hurt alone and without me. Physical pain is so much easier for me to block out, to deal with then emotional pain - and at least we would have been beaten down together.

That guilt mixed with my complete exhaustion, the sadness, the worry, feeling ill and relieved…unhappy and happy all at once…I just couldn’t take it I guess, and as I sit here, between writing on the edge of a mountain and looking down, I am unsure about so many things and I am still somewhat shocked and feeling numb. Even the cool fresh air is not helping me. I look up and watch the birds flying above me and I wish that I could just fly away with them.

I’ve need him so much these last few days and none of that seems to matter anymore. I could have lost him and I wasn’t there with him when I should and could have been…and that guilt is threatening to override all other emotions. If I can hold onto to just staying numb, then at least…at least I will not go mad with my guilt…I do not want to sink into madness, but I guess I’ve slowly been heading there for most of my life already and eventually, no matter what I do, that’s where I will end up.

*the words below are written with a very shaky hand and the writing not nearly as neat as it usually is*


I've realized that this is all my own fault. I should have gone with him when he asked me, when he said he needed to go get his blades fixed and was going back to Denions, but instead I was stupid and I stayed behind to rest. What was I thinking?! That way we could be together right now - dead or alive....at least we would have been together... at least...

*sobs into her hands*

I tried to run, he made me stay. Then he said if I ran off to find Pallas that he was running with me. I planned to sneak away but I fell asleep, I had no control over it. One moment I was standing there crying about what I wanted and about Pallas and the next thing I know it is now a new day. I am weaker then I was before - and I am so tired and scared. I want to go off to find and help my love, but what if Will is right and my love returns to me and I am gone and then I am the one who is then lost? How would Pallas feel to return to the lands and find that I have gone? He assures me that Pallas will come for me, and I know without a doubt that if he COULD he would, which is why I am so sure something bad has happened and no-one seems to believe that what I feel is right!! I am so scared and I feel so lost and so confused. Do I stay or do I go to search for him? What do I do...what do I do...

There are other things, changes happening, all at once that I am trying to deal with, along with some of my family and friends. My brain is about to rupture and I really need him right now! These days have been so hard and I’ve stretched myself as far as I can. I feel about to snap. I’ve not even the desire to write anymore, I just feel like ripping all of my hair right out of my head.

*kicks her journal under the couch in the rogues lair*

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*cries into her journal*

Something is wrong…I know it. My love should have been back by now and he is not. I think I can recall the way to Denion’s place. Through those trees…on that path…to Gods know where. Curse my sense of direction – or lack there of! Oh, I do not care. I do not care that I’m still feeling terrible, I do not care that I will most likely get lost, I do not care about anything else right now - I just need to find Pallas. I need to know that he is okay. I need to help him should he need me. I know something has happened I can feel it inside of me and I must set out at some point today to try and find him.

Love, where are you?

*curls up on the couch in the rogues lair, trying to figure out what to do*

[/COLOR]

I’ve barely left my safe spot and I’ve really had little desire to do much of anything these last few days – especially since my last entry. I’ve even started doing things that aren’t like me at all, such as I’ve destroyed half the messages birds left me, without even reading them and I really don’t even care. I was hoping to see my love, but he is still gone and now all I want to do is to sleep and to just be left alone. Please - no pretending to care, no empty words, no false faces…just leave me alone...please...

*wipes some blood from under her nose and sighs*

My friend has broken a piece of my heart and there is nothing that I can do but accept what she tells me to be the truth, her truth - despite what I feel inside my own heart. She isn’t lying to me, would she though, knowing how hurt and upset I am? If not to me then is she lying to herself? I pray she is not with every fibre of my being. I’ve been there. I’ve been hurt and I’ve been put through so much in my past ... and for others pleasure, their sick demented mind games, their sadistic way of life. For greed, for money for power! My innocence, my childhood, my family – and so much more, all stolen from me, and I was powerless to stop it at the time...I was so young. My flesh and my blood it burns so hot to think of it…more so to ink it to this page, so I will stop.

Thankfully…those people are gone from my life now. I am almost positive that they are either dead or incapacitated enough that they can never again harm me or another living thing. I hope, though, that they are not dead. No. That would be too easy, too much of an escape for beings so evil. I hope that somewhere they live in an endless, painful torture. I hope that each movement, each thought, each breath that wracks through their bodies - each blink of an eye is more lingeringly painful then the last. I hope them alone and left in agony to remember what they did to my mother, to me, the innocent, the family...to themselves…for eternity.

Does this mean that I am no better then they are...??


…back to where I was trying to go with my thoughts now. There is no way I’d mistake seeing signs of it now, perhaps my instincts are all too heightened because of my own encounters, but heightened or not they are not deceiving me. Are they? No - I am sure of it. One thing is for certain. I am afraid for my friend.

---------------------------------------

[COLOR=pink]Later……

I ran forever it seemed through the tombs with Kias in search of a blasted key for his amulet…to no avail! We had a blast though. Me, Lucy, Kias. We did have fun but I wore myself out, and I had so much else on my mind at the time. Oh and I have a new weapon. It’s called my fried fish – o – fury. I hate fish, but I love my fish stick!! It packs a killer punch! And it utterly stinks! [/COLOR]


---------------------------------------


I’ve awaken on the lake path. I don’t recall crashing here but I must have, and so close to the guildhall. I’ve just read her journal and I’m in shock or else I’d be in tears right now. I know they will come – and I will wish with all my heart Pallas were here to hold me through them. Not only has Skye accepted a ring from him – a man she barely knows that could be hurting her, but she is going to bond him. Worse even, she wants me to do the ceremony. I can not do it…I will not do it. I will have no part of it. How could she even ask this of me knowing how much I do not support this relationship? What is she getting herself into? I am worried sick.

PLEASE don’t bond this man…I know that you say you love him and that you want to believe that he won’t ever hurt you and you say the journal seemed bad because you were both so angry but that doesn’t excuse a darn thing! He fought you…he held a knife to your throat. My Gods the flow of memories this brings back to me – I do not think you understand!

I…I just can’t…deal with this. Not now, not alone…and I can’t bear the thought of it … I can’t even write it… *sighs* I hope Pallas doesn’t read Skyes journal when he returns to the lands…and all the comments within. Or, perhaps he should so he has some handle on what has happened when we do talk about it, as I know we will…

It makes me realize even more just how lucky I am to have found such a love. Sure, we are not bonded by ceremony but as we have seen, that matters very little in these lands. Love is not defined by a ceremony but by the hearts. Our hearts are forever joined by the bonds of love and that can not be broken. Not by any others through malice and it can not be made stronger by any others through ceremony. I wish everyone could feel that kind of love, and I know how blessed I am to have it.

Pallas is the one constant light…the one star in my life that will forever guide my way and not fail me when all other stars have died…


*closes her journal and silently stares out across the lake*

Pallas has gone for a few days – off to see the smith we ran across on our trip a while back. His name is Denion and the first we had met him was when we made our trip to see Lestat. He is a talented Smith, no doubt, and Pallas would know better then me, so I trust his judgment. He did ask me to come along, but I felt it best I stay behind, being ill and run down as I am; I know I’d only slow him down. I think he knew that as well but still – it was nice of him to ask.

So in the rogue’s lair I will stay, beside the warm fire to rest and wait for my love, unless I bore and I venture out to do a bit of farming, but even then I won’t be very responsive. I’m sorry to any and everyone I’ve let down these days by not responding to calls for blessings and such, but I’ve really needed to just rest as much as possible and I hope that is understood. I am, after all, only human.

The Rogues Lair is finally finished – It looks so good, to. Quiet, dark and yet it is very warming to me – and reminds me of my love. I’m curled in my new leopard cloak on a rather large leather sofa right now, beside the dancing fire in the lair, trying to think of something to write in here but my thoughts are just too muddled. I’ve dropped my land ray spine a few times; if it falls from my hand again I wont even bother to pick it up this time. Perhaps it is time I see a healer. Usually I feel better after so many days when I’ve been ailed in the past but for some reason this time there has been no change. Time. There is that word again. How many times will I use that word in this entry alone?

I can think of nothing that’s weighing too heavily on me at the moment – what was has been worked out, to some extent. Right? I worry about my love and his feelings, but he assures me he is okay. Is he being completely truthful with me? Other then his word, I can not read him to see further. One thing that I have trouble accepting is my lack of ability to read my love. When he chooses, he keeps things so well hidden, even I, his supposed deepest love can not fully see inside. Does that make me a bad love, or just make him more clever then I give him credit for? All I can do is hope that he means what he has said to me regarding the situation – any situation.

They say that to uncover what lies secret and hidden, we must first be made, in some way - to look as closely and as clearly as possible at everything around us. I’ve looked as close as possible, and as clearly as possible. I’ve got no where. I’ve dug deep inside of myself– I’ve come up with nothing I can see or feel that’s keeping me so down and so out and so sick. So then what now do I do? I’m trying so hard not to fall into a depression, but it is becoming harder not to let it take me, I’ve got so little strength right now to fight it.

[COLOR=pink]
*tugs her hair in frustration as she writes from a life monument*

There is no such thing as a violet crystal!! I am sure of it now!! I can not concentrate, either, and I keep taking wounds severe enough to land me at the LM.

HUMPFH!!

*slams her journal shut and rubs her eyes, sighing deeply as she contemplates tossing her journal into the volcano*[/COLOR]

Lug named his weapon after me because I rescued it when he accidently sold it. *giggles* Oh that was a funny day. We had lunch together yesterday - me, Lucy and Lug and Lucy made yummy nummy food stuff from a dull crystal and I turned water into wine. It was good fun. Lugs got a new eyeball now. Its a glowing red crystal. One of my best ideas yet!! Thankfully I didnt suggest a glowing blue crystal. If I had, he may have had that eyeball ripped from his very eye socket by some crazy cleric or enchanter!!!


Pallas treats me like such a princess. Either that or I was such a scary fright last evening that he couldn’t help but wash my face and my hair for me – in fear I may turn him or fellow adventurers into stone with a mere glance!

Aye – I may be coming around a bit, but I am still feeling listless and tired and achy - kinda like what it must feel like to be a zombie. I keep sneezing on my boots and gauntlets. Yuck. Time for a shine, am thinking. Anyways, we trained in the lair and my love has made excellent progress towards the next level, which is great and one level closer to me again. Yay! I can’t complain though, and have no reason to, he has worked so very hard and we are still close enough where I can farm while he trains and so we are together just like before and that’s what is most important to me. Always the most important.

He left me a message earlier that he is ready to see the trainer. I guess I understand his need to sneak away while I rest and train without me from time to time; I must be such a pain in the butt to always be around. =)

I think I’ll hit N’rolav and run the beach killing horrors in hopes that one drops a prized violet for me. Everyone else seems to get lucky with them but me!

Oh, and I really love the smell of roving horror goop in the morning!

and a thought comes to me....


When I speak of memories - do our memories define who we are as a person? If we are defined by a make-up of our memories then what would we become if those memories are somehow all lost? Who are we then...? Anyone...anyone at all...or no-one...

[COLOR=gray]242[/COLOR]

I’ve a lot of things in my mind but I am having trouble articulating them onto these pages today. My thoughts are more scattered then yesterday – perhaps a bit rambling?


I’ve been thinking about death a lot lately, though I am not sure why. We know that we live and that we die…but does death end it or is there something far greater ahead for us? Either way, someday I will die - but the words here and this journal could go on forever…it’s almost like cheating death, to leave something behind to live on for you through words and pictures to retell your story. Tales of adventure -boring or exciting as the tales may be, that does not matter – it’s the fact that you live on in some small way – in a sense, cheating death.

Which leads to my next thoughts -why? Does it really even matter? We take nothing material with us in death, and if some do, there is no point for we have no use for it. Perhaps some memories, I’d like to think we can at least take our fondest memories - that comforts me to some extent to know I can hold those forever and always and that not even death can take them away from me, but no one knows if that is for true, either, so I have no way of really telling. That’s just the faith and hope I have inside me speaking.

I guess there is really only one way to find out, isn’t there? So what now then? Stop worrying about that which we can not control and just live our lives the best that we can and ALWAYS hold onto hope. Hope that later on after we have moved on from the realm of the living that we can take with us the knowledge that we did our best at living. Not just pushing living off for a rainy day which may never come, all the while in between just trying to improve every tiny detail to what we think is best to live by – forgetting to actually LIVE and forgetting all the memories that made us warm and fuzzy. That’s not living at all – so never do that. Those memories are what will keep us all alive, after we have crossed over, and they should be held, cherished and never forgotten.

------------------------------------------

My friend called me last night. I went – he asked me to ask him again, and so I did. He admitted everything. I was so proud of him. Proud that I know now things will be okay for he accepts things as they are and loves me, as a friend and student, all the same. Our friendship I hope will be able to flourish and just knowing the truth has lifted a huge weight from my love - and myself, and things will hopefully be able to resume as normal. As a sign of that faith, hope and friendship, I carry with me in my bag of treasures a magnificent crystal orb which holds the ocean and the changing tides within. Tides that change much like our very lives.


I got some strength to finally stand and off I went to the Statue of dear Cory. I traded in a blue today, and wouldn’t you know it, I can now turn water into wine. My search is over, I’ve completed the task of gaining the knowledge I needed for all of my divine spells for my profession, and now I want to learn more. I am thirsty for more. Maybe one day the great Gods will bestow upon us once again some new blessings to learn. Until then I will keep on keeping on with what I’ve got, giving everything I can to anyone in need.

But right now, I am in need. I feel so low down, cold and listless and I’ve barely the strength to stand for long periods of time. I try and farm a bit, and find myself sitting more then standing. I’m filthy, too.

…But you know…love is the one person who is willing to wash your hair for you when you are too dirty and too sick to do it yourself – and they do it for free.

*smiles a bit as she closes the book, thinking of her greatest love*

[COLOR=gray]235[/COLOR]

I still feel so very horrible, journal. My nose is red and raw and so is my throat and now my eyes feel the same and I can not stop coughing. Cory, it hurts - and all I can really do is sit around and drink tea and rest. Okay, in between bouts of trying to farm a little because that’s just who I am, and I’m so bored sitting around, but I can only take being out and farming for so long before I fall over in exhaustion or from a fit of coughing. What is this and why do I feel worse each passing day instead of better? Maybe I am just very run down...

Last night Pallas trained some and I felt the whole time I was just burdening him. He had some good time to train and there I am all sick and not my normal able to keep up with him self. *sighs deeply then coughs for a minute before resuming* I really hate feeling like I’m a bother, though of course he wouldn’t ever admit that were true, I still feel like I’m in the way again. If I hadn’t landed in that snow storm on the plateau after the rapids none of this would be happening right now. *sneezes on the page and then sighs* Oh, for the love of Becory…

I took some wounds today, though I’m not training, so that shouldn’t have happened and it really annoys me. I must really be feeling worse then I want to think I am. I’ve healed them over as best I can, which isn’t my best at all. Oh N’rolav, I know I should be curled by a fire and wrapped in blankets not moving at all and having Pallas wait on me, but that’s just not me. ‘Course not until it’s too late and I’ve hurt myself worse and have no choice. Oh, and I like to think I’m not as stubborn as I really am. *shakes her head and sighs, pulling an orb from her bag*

Will slipped the orb back to me as I slept. He had found it where I had buried the stuff from the admirer. Says it was easy to find my tracks and the spot dug in the sand, especially since my journal was kicked across the sand and later retrieved by Lucy. Sounds a bit suspicious to me, but I am just too ill to argue about that right now. He says I should keep it if it makes me happy. Not do what others think I should do with it. He is right. Thing is, it is beautiful – it’s unlike anything I’ve seen before and in that sense of course it interests me, but I just can not keep it and feel right and I do not want to, either. There is just no way - I’d never hurt Pallas that way, so … since I’ve no admittance to who this admirer is (though of course I’m sure I know in my heart) it’s back to the desert as soon as I can bring myself to do it. I don’t want to hurt anyone, I hope everyone knows that, but there is just NO way in N’rolav I’d hurt Pallas. All of this has got to be hurting him as it is, and I feel so horrible for it… Love, I am so sorry.

I’ve got a pretty new book from Lucy and some charcoal bits and colored leads. I think maybe Ill rest a bit and draw something, as it’s been a while since I have done so. Maybe after my head stops swimming...

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I am feeling so run down today and my head is stuffed and I can not stop sneezing. I guess I caught a cold after being turned into an Ellycicle the other day. I can’t focus and everything I do seems to take forever. So here I am dear journal, just trying to collect some of my thoughts and feelings, though I’m not able to hold onto them long, and everything in my head just feels scattered today. Even my land ray spine I use to write feels like it weighs so much, and I can hardly lift it.

I ran into him much later last evening after I’d restlessly tried to fall asleep in the hall with Pallas. I dressed a bit and went to slaughter some spiders, despite feeling so worn down. In the lair…we spoke… at first I was nervous and slightly uneasy, but soon a bit of the old way I felt started to come back, as did my old friend. But I just can’t help feeling slightly tricked. I am hoping that in time the dust will settle and we can go back to that old way – just good friends and feel comfortable with one another. No sadness, no uncomfortable feelings…I really hope it can be so, but if it can not, I’ll have to be strong and realize that’s what has been fated for us and so will he. Only time will tell us all the answers…

But one thing will always remain unquestionable … my love for Pallas … and his love for me. With that knowledge we can get through anything, I truly believe.

Today I did wander to the Statue of Cory with Lucy. Or more, Lucy got lost going from the statue of Ben to the Statue of Cory. *giggles a bit, recalling this event* I had three glowing blue crystals and thought I might try and learn a new spell, the last spell I need, Water to Wine. Well, for all the times my friends made fun of me and my inability to cast my Blinding Light blessing without catching things (usually clothing and maps) on fire, the Gods must be in total agreement that I needed to practice that blessing. No sooner had I sent three blue glowing crystals into the dear Statue of Cory, then did three parchments appear at my feet which read:
[COLOR=indigo]
Holy Scroll - Blessing of Corys Blinding Light
Holy Scroll - Blessing of Corys Blinding Light
Holy Scroll - Blessing of Corys Blinding Light [/COLOR]


*stares dumbfounded at the page, then a slight smile spreads on her face*

Aye! I get it!! Ah well, I guess after I practice some more, mayhaps I will get the last blessing that I need. Unless the Gods are trying to tell me I drink too much wine already….

…nah!


Well, back to the lair before the poetry reading later this day. I am very much looking forward to it.

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I am not sure how man marcs later it was that I woke in Pallas arms, after we had drifted off to sleep after drinking tea and talking. I was a bit groggy but I knew I had to go and speak top my friend - and I had to do it right then at that very moment. The longer I waited the more I was possibly giving false impressions and more importantly I was hurting the man I love so dearly. I slipped out of his arms, unseen or not, I am not completely sure, and quietly I went off to Branishor.

I explained everything. What I’d received, how it made me feel and how it made Pallas feel. I had intentions of returning the items, (though not in the way that had been suggested, for me that is just much to cruel) the scrolls the gifts, but he gave me no admittance – he gave me nothing. He only asked what good it would do to know? What would it change…he said that all knowing would do is subject the admirer to more pain than he ‘probably’ already is in. What about my pain? What about Pallas’ pain? So many questions left unanswered. I thought I was right – I thought I knew. But here I am with no words of closure.

Even the handwriting, though similar, is not enough to go on for sure…but in my heart I feel I know already that he is lying to me. Though, lying is to strong a word. I just needed the words to go with what my heart felt and to let me know for sure. I know I hurt him, though hide it well he did, and to further prove my thoughts, nothing new came to me last night. No messages, no gifts…nothing but an unresolved feeling of pain and loss. I just hope things can go back to the way they were for this friendship is not one I wish to lose. He told me to ...move on and just to listen to whatever it is my heart tells me…and to just trust that the other person can take care of himself. I suppose, that might be all we can do, but will Pallas understand? I feel as if I’ve failed him greatly…

But someone please tell me...what else could I have done?? Keep talking in circles? Things seemed so tense and at one point and I was getting very nervous. His mannerisms, his voice…I’d gotten to him. I knew in my gut I was right. I HAD to be. I thought about leaving the stuff there anyways but…but what could I do, really? If he says it wasn't him, I couldn't very well force him to take things he says he never gave to me, could I?

…and so I buried it. All of it. Somewhere only I know. I can hear it as I sleep, muffled cries of emotions – love and pain emitting from the sand it hides in as if it is trying to give its self away – to scream and to be found and freed from its sandy tomb. I hear it crying louder, I cover my ears. A wish that will never come true, a secret that wants to be revealed…something that will never be, trying to just…be. Maybe I should ... burn it...before anyone else finds it.

I need to know I’ve not failed, I need to know…so badly…

*flings her journal into the sand and sobs*

I awoke in the guildhall, wrapped in blankets and beside Pallas. At first I was confused, but then I remembered most everything….

Pallas nearly killed me last night. I kid, I kid. It was …fun. Really, it was!! We never did get to the beach, (maybe tonight?) though it is just as well since some creep has indicated he is ‘watching’ us. Okay, so first we rode the raging rapids and after being swooshed away and barely surviving that, I wanted to ride the cannon, as it has been so long since we had done so. I went from being nearly smooshed and broken to bits on the rocks at the rapids to soaking wet and fired from a cannon right into the snowy Plateau. Of all places, why in the Becory did I have to land in frigid cold snow ONTOP of a plateau?? I mean, I wasn’t really dressed for a wind and snow storm and I could barely see once I pulled myself up from the ledge. I wasn’t too scared at first but then after looking around all directions I could not figure what direction to walk in - so I just started walking some random way. Typical silly Ellyana move. Let me clarify. Ellyana + no sense of direction = lost, daft or dead Ellyana.

Things are a bit hazy from that point on though I do recall Pallas and the Obelisk of light so I must have been going in the right direction? Or I got lucky, I have no idea. Thank the Gods for Pallas and his ability to track. I swear he can track anything that he wants or needs. Curse my horrible sense of direction. Really, I am horrible and usually haven’t a clue what direction I am facing.

I was just so cold I was numb and shaking, and very swiftly I couldn’t even feel my feet! Might have a lot to do with already being soaking wet in barely anything but a dress and some sandals and jewelry and then landing in temperatures that were just… indescribably cold. I was a pure Ellycicle!! And the part I just can not understand is Pallas made me WALK when all I wanted to do was close my eyes and go to sleep. Why?? Fuff!! Sometimes I am not so sure which of us is more stubborn, me or him but he will have some explaining to do now that I have somewhat recovered! Ah, dang I love that stubborn man.

And when I awoke and went through my pack to find some things to eat that Pallas must have left me and to drink, and I found a scroll….and I also found something most intriguing, most unusual. I dropped it at first when after I shook it and things moved inside - I thought it alive! How silly that sounds, but you have to see for yourself what I mean. Let me describe it. It’s a small and crystal clear orb shaped object. Perhaps it is an orb – just different then those I’ve seen. Inside though….inside is the ocean and the tides seem to change but I am not certain how or why that is. It’s just beautiful…and I can not figure out if what is inside is really there or if it is a type of magic.

I’ve an idea who left it and I love this dear friend to pieces…but we must speak soon though knowing him, he will deny everything just to be difficult!

Gah…Cory, what do I do? I need your guidance.


*half smiles and then sighs a bit and places a rose into the page, then closes her journal and curls up in her blankets beside Pallas to sleep some more*

I know how Ermin feels…her pain is so real right now. I've feel it from the time I touched the same obelisk so many moons ago, heck even before, but not so alive. Why didn’t Skyls warn me?? Why do I so often leap without looking?? The darkness thats always been inside my veins and flowing in my blood, it awoke with a raging vengeance when I felt the jolt of putrid darkness shoot through my body and into my blood, and then everything inside me changed in some way. or do I just think it did? Senses became more clear and predatory for an instant after I had regained my sense, I could hear more clearly the whaling and moaning of those passed, though I've always been able to hear them before. I could see them walking a circle around the obelisk. Was it my mind or the evil darkness playing tricks on me? Since it happened I've not really felt the same inside but most days outwardly I am as I always have been, though as I said I see more clearly...shadows more clearly then ever, figured within them...voices of the dead but not always the evil dead. The pirate ship screams louder to me then ever when I am near it...the lost souls…

It’s confusing sometimes and...I knew someone else had to have done this... to have touched it, drawn from it, as I felt something boiling then go cold inside my veins the other day and now I am drawn back to the obelisk...it has started calling...and I’ve learned it was sweet little Ermin. Why did she do this and HOW can I help her?? I’ve no idea how but my first step is to go back top the source…the beginning…but what do I do? I've no idea...none...

Why us? Why some and not others? Surly many have touched the obelisk out of curiosity. Why has it not been destroyed or restored?? Is it something inside us? I am convinced it’s my father’s wretched blood that flows in my veins, infecting my pure blood like a sickness (if there is any good blood left to flow) that was like a magnet to the darkness in that obelisk. I will have to speak with Ermin, find out if she knows through her genes in some way if evil flows inside her blood. It’s the only connection that seems logical, but then what does logic matter anyways anymore. Nothing makes sense, things are so surreal sometimes that on and off I have not known if I wake or sleep. All ominous places I go, the volcano, N'rolav…inside the darkness paces and growls waiting to bust through me if I let it and MORE so since that day. I am strong though, and always have been, and the darkness has always been within me, this is nothing new. It was just rejuvinated in some sick way. I am thankful for the light and the love in my life because surely without it, I may have been taken by that darkness that day…if not that day then long before...I just know it.

Ermin, stay strong...stay away. You can get past the physical part of the pain that runs through you. It is mostly phantom, you have to believe that and realise the darkness inside is trying to suck you in and you just have to be stronger then it. Do not let it consume you. As soon as you realise that you have to be mentally stronger then the pain you will find that you start to feel less of the physical side of this pain. I'll go back for both of us if that is what it takes. Please by the love of the Gods and everything divine and holy; keep away from the obelisk, and follow my advice. It may not be right now…it may not be today…it may not be ever...but I will try to figure this all out; I will figure something out…even if it kills me…


Pallas, I love you. Last night was so hard for me, and I was really afraid but your love and kindness made things so much easier for me to say and I thank you...for everything you do for me. I need you now - i've an itch I an dying to scratch...as Skyls calls it...please do not let me...please...

*sighs and fiddles with a ring that she has found in her pack. A ring unlike anything she has seen before hoping...hoping...*

Gods, I really am looking forward to those rapids and the beach...

I took a short nap and I saw the dark figures circling my as I lie on the ground…shaking after I touched the obelisk some time ago when I was with Skyls, and it zapped dark energies through my body like lightning, piercing into my heart and soul. I’ve no idea why now…. But I need to go back to it…I need to see it…I want to touch it again…it draws me.

But…I do not understand why it calls me. The voices … the figures cry and try to prevent my mind from even thinking of this…but something inside me screams louder then they can…as if the dark energy it left behind has gained power…but why…has someone else touched the darkness? Has it fed? I must know…

..later...when I am alone and all is quiet...

Depending how things go with what I need to do and say, shock therapy might be just what I need.
.


•'´¯)•~Ellyana~•(¯`'•.

Horray for Kias!!! He is a rogue now – and with such a great teacher as Pallas he will be a fine and respected rogue indeed! I was so proud of Kias and doubly proud of Pallas as I listened to him with a big smile on my face as we stood in the temple - Pallas teaching Kias some key points to rogue hood. Is that even a word? I did however overlook something, and having realized it, I am pretty angry with myself for being such a bad friend.

I am really so stupid at times and it seems that no matter what I do or how hard I do try to please those I care for, that in the end I just can not win. I hurt my friend and I never intended for that, in fact I didn’t think things out clearly and I just hope that she can forgive me. I’ve just got so much racing in my mind, as always. As always….

*holds another, new parchment tightly in her hands and sighs*

I have to confront someone tonight, though I am scared. I do not want to lose my dear friend and I do not really know how I feel about this. It is very hard for me to piece together to explain, so I will just avoid it all together so I do not upset anyone unintentionally, or myself in the frustration of trying to articulate what’s in my mind. I need to speak with Pallas as well, but I am so unsure how to do so in this situation. Maybe I should just give up.

But then…

I said this to a friend today and it seems fitting for all right now including myself. Everything in my life and everyone’s lives should apply this thought and I hope that it might bring some comfort to someone. Time, is it for us or against us? Is it nearly as relevant as we perceive it to be? It flows forward, unending in the same direction, always, and each one of us battles time in our own way - be it a blessing, a curse…etc. All of our time here is limited, we are limited - so don't waste anymore of it worrying about that which we can not change – caged by dogma and unwrtitten rules! Do not let the noise of other's outward murmurings and thoughts; their sometimes helpful and sometimes unhelpful opinions drown out your own inner voice. Let is speak the loudest of all. let it scream.

ALWAYS keep the strength and the courage to follow your own heart and intuitions! That sense inside – that conscious voice and physical feeling we all get inside of us that speaks only pure emotion. it pushes us. Truth. It already ALWAYS knows what we truly want – and it is most often right and everyone else and everything else is second at best to that intuition. Keep that in mind and you may find some peace of mind. We all may find peace of mind…

Maybe…but does anyone really have any answers?

These parchments – I’ve paced all night because of them and my mind has gone to so many different places. What do I do and what do say? How could I have not seen this? I still have no idea what to say, but I will go speak with my old friend who I am sure has left them, when I am ready though I’ve no idea how things will turn out and that really scares me.

Maybe I will talk to Lucy first. I really need someone right now to listen to me, and so few I trust and Pallas has not yet returned...

Another parchment showed up in my pack... the words are beautiful...but who is doing this? I may have an idea, actually I am pretty sure I know....but...I've no idea what to say or do about it.

I need to think, and being as I am alone, there really isn't much more I feel like doing anyways - and it takes my mind away from other worry...

..or does it?



.•'´¯)•~Elly~•(¯`'•.

I took a rather long nap at the guildhall after spending some time reading a parchment I've had in my pack for a few days now and thinking over the words written upon it.

The dream though simple in nature was intense and surreal and I woke from this disturbing dream thirstier then I have been in as long as I can remember. I seemed to be napping/dreaming for a long time, though all I can remember is simple.


I was at a healer with needles being stuck into my arms and vials of liquids being forced down my throat and no one would tell me whatw as wrong with me! All my hair was falling out into my hands and I was so angry and so scared and I kept asking for answers to which I got none. Pallas, Lucy, Skyls, Will, Lug, Kira, Skye...other friends were with me and everyone looked really sad ... but they remained strangely silent.

And then I started to slowly vanish. I saw my feet dissapear...and then my legs and then I woke up with a start and gasping for air and thirsty. So very thirsty....

What does it all mean?

Back...sort of I guess. I am exhausted. But what fun!

Pallas had to turn right around after being sure I got back to the lands safe, some kind of buisness, I suppose, he really did not explain but I hope that he is safe and that I will see him soon.

After I sleep, I will write properly and soon I will go see my friends that I have missed and maybe farm.

I am just too tired to write anymore for now.

Peace and love.

Ellyana

[COLOR=pink]This will be my last entry for a couple of days. Pallas and I will be leaving the lands later and traveling North West towards a town that’s name escapes me that I stopped in shortly on my undetermined trek to Valorn quite some time ago. The name of the man we seek is Lestat, owner of Lestat’s Tat’s - and we will be resting, relaxing, drinking ale and getting some tattoo work. The man does exquisite work and he had done the decorative tribal art on my thigh with an unmatched skill when I traveled through his town many, many moons ago. I need a break from the lands anyways, and so does my love and we think it would be fun to go off and have a little adventure. Just the two of us together.

I was surprised when he asked me for the information on who did my tattoo and more surprised that he wanted to go see the man and then even MORE surprised that he wished me to go along! I figured I’d only slow him down, but this trip isn’t one that he is taking swiftly, but more for leisure so of course he wanted me along. Silly me.

I really do need this break, if only for a day or two. If I dont see you before I go, may you all find peace and love and happiness.

Sweet water and light laughter until next we meet![/COLOR]
[COLOR=pink]

[FONT=Times][SIZE=7].•'´¯)•~Ellyana~•(¯`'•.[/SIZE][/COLOR][/FONT]

I could barely lift my head when I woke. I felt achy all over and quite ill to my stomach, my head was throbbing and my nose was bleeding. Blood, all over Pallas silkspun shirt. Every part of me hurt – as if I’d been run over by a Bordimic bos or beaten hard by a creature and so I just buried my head back down and tried to sleep. What happened to me? I almost woke Pallas, but thought better of it. He was exhausted form leveling again so swiftly and I didn’t want to worry him.

Every time I closed my eyes I saw things that made me feel so sad, and so much sorrow. I saw the lands becoming desolate and deserted as people left them. People giving up, be it they are tired of all the petty nonsense and drama or they had simply given up and given into the evil, or just ran clear away from the evil. I do not know, but it scared me to see. I’d see myself alone and broken down – I’ve no idea where Pallas is in the scenes I’d see before me and the sadness then was so strong. The wildlife was gone, my friends were gone - scattered about and mixed in with the corpses of the dead and dying. Monsters, animals, man…all mixed together and adding to the death soil, none any better then the other – all equally one as they lie dead and decaying.

The soil of the lands is soaking in all of their essences thus becoming even more mucky, dark and contaminated as it feeds from the evil and from the dead. You can feel it vibrate under your feet, you can hear it so softly if you lean down to listen - or you can choose to ignore it but regardless of what you do, it is there, and it grows bigger and stronger with each breath drawn from the living and each last breath taken from the dead. It is lurking…it is pacing and thinking and planning. It knows the right moment. It is gaining and becoming stronger as we fade more apart marc after marc, day after day…


Perhaps there is no point anymore...perhaps there is no other way...

*blood drops stain the page*

I am restless, tired, annoyed and needing a break from these lands and I think soon I may do just that and take a few days alone – or with Pallas if he wished to go with me. Though, I’ve got no where in mind to go. All I know is where I came from, and where I am now. I will never go back where I've come from. Everything in between the slight time I ran from that place and found these lands was really only a flash forward to this moment, and I made no ties, no memories. So, where do I go?

I am not really sure what has triggered me to feel this way but I do know that more and more each day the things I see which occur and more people in these lands I have come to love so dearly sadden me, and it seems that what is really important has been lost in a cloud of a meaningless and mindless haze. Perhaps the impending darkness that has been floating dangerously low over our heads these past weeks has seeped into the minds of some, and is controlling them – taking them over and pulling them down deeply into the dark nothing, and with them they are taking others down...

I pray for them, I pray for my loved ones…and I pray for myself.

Daft, so very daft.

In more ways then one…


I could not sleep. Not really – I woke with a start in my loves safe arms and, in a sweat and without really thinking, I slipped out of his arms and I left the guildhall feeling totally unable to breath. I felt hot, tight in my chest…just anxious and with dreams remnants and bits of conversations and maybe desert sand mingled and still floating around in my head, so I just left. What had I done wrong? I tried so hard to do things right, to make being able to talk comfortable – as it is so important to me that we have that and no secrets, no holding back, and I still couldn’t do it right. I thought I was being supportive and I was in total understanding, I just had…a few questions…how is that wrong? I am not sure I even understand what or where things went astray, but I know how awful I feel right now and I can not shake it – and I am afraid. So in a sense, the others have won a round, but as I've always said before, they just do not matter. We are - were happy, they obviously are not.

I ran right into massive dark portals on my way out at Caer Laleldan and with a few others we battled the evil, as a team, that seemed to come at us, unending. I don’t know how I did it, for it was near impossible for me to distinguish what was real and what I was seeing swirling before my eyes and in my head from the fog of my dreams. I managed to still stand after it was all over, though it must have been through the grace of the Gods because after it was done, and then all the healing, I was more then completely drained.

I went back to the vineyard, I needed him…and I started to take off what equipment I’d remember to throw on at the raid, and right then I realized that just couldn’t stay. I kissed his cheek and whispered in his ear how much I love him, left a parchment beside him with three simple words written up on, and then I left. I ended up in the endless desert, unsure why I was trying to walk anywhere, and within a moment, I was slain. I’d not had my armor on and was very low on my energy, as I had forgotten to attempt to heal myself after the raid. I don’t recall what slew me; but it hit and it hit me hard knocking me down and out. I just know that I awoke at the Kili Isle LM many, many marcs later and with my cloak wrapped around my shoulders and notes placed in my bag from friends and acquaintances, asking if I were alright.

As I sit here, now, sipping tea someone left me and with my back propped against Spinny McStone I realize that I really do not know the answer to that and so unfortunately the notes, as of yet, still remain unanswered…


I’d regained my strength a bit and the first thing I did after standing up was run back to the guildhall, but he had already gone. Where? To train alone perhaps - or maybe to seek some time alone with his thoughts to really think about things. That’s another unanswered question for me.

I just hope he knows how much I love him, have always loved him, and will always love him - no matter what anyone else thinks or says.
I know how much he loves me…

I woke, he was gone, I went to the desert and he was gone.

Wonder if the rest of today will be this way and if I shouldn’t even bother.

Time to dig a new hole, me thinks.

I am proud of all his training, but I just hope he doesnt over do it again like yesterday. I was worried sick about him!

And right now Im horribly grumpy! Someone, I dont even recall the name, tried to...oh you know...anyways, I nearly had my boot stuck somewheres....not a good day to disrespect me!
Actually no day is a good day to disrespect me. Oh, Im so annoyed!!!!!

gggrrrrrrrrrrr!


next person who says something tbnat upsets me will find a boot somewhere and their clothes burning, while they are still wearing them!!

*sighs, flicks her nose in the air and slams the book closed*


----------------------------------------------


Oh! And it keeps getting better and better...........

Pallas held me, and held me tightly; I know he must have, because I slept and I do not remember even falling asleep. At least for some time I slept, though I seem to have developed a strange old habit of waking while still mostly asleep and walking off to random places, as the last few days I’ve woken in places I have no real recollection of going to and it’s rather freaky. I’ve not done that in years, though I will play it down. NO need for worry.

So today feels a bit, odd. My love was up and about very early training and then after cornering a red guardian for Annalorie (and testing his soft spots with my new steel tipped boots, like I said my dark side is out to play) I went off to the desert while Pallas trained and I really realized, as he ran about the desert sands, how very unlike myself I do feel and have felt building for days. I do not know what is wrong, but all I know is that I feel bothered and I guess it is a combination of all the time in N’rolav and the volcano and my past just being stirred up. I am strong though, and I wont go down without a fight if need be!

So Pallas sits down to rest for a bit (and is in for a surprise when he wakes!!) And so far I get 4 browns and 2 oranges crystals and a WP. Yesterday as I was breaking 520 kills in 6 marcs, I hit 33 guardians, 9 of which gave up glowies and 1 a dull brown. Then as Pallas arrives all we get are dulls!! . Maybe he is right that the guardians and things which drop items tend to like girls better!!! They must taste sweeter then the boys!!

I hope he wakes soon, I feel so lonely today and just so strange.

Wow, the guardians are ALL over and he misses it!!! Poor Pallas! I got several more glowies and another brown and 4 WPs!! Okay, 2 and Lu gave me two, but she didnt have to do that! Love ya, girl!

Soon, love. 47ish and we can have glowie hunting parties and games together again.

On the plus side, Lucy and I have lovely new boots. Watch out, Guardians!!!!!!


----------------------------------------

I just saw...a friend. He is getting...bonded. The man who told me long ago that it is silly to love - especially after we danced around one another a bit, silly to wear my ring over my holy ring, silly to be emotional....the man who still teases me each time I ride the cannon,or bounce past him....the man who I've been friend with for a long while now, but who I have wished to strangle on many occasions past for thingshe has said or done is getting...bonded. Wow!!